Including the parenting and rules I have for her children. The point is that this wasnt your call to make. That didnt work. When I peek at him, he is just trying them onit may just be a sensory thing. However, I still find it alarming. Explain that you know its difficult for them to hear these things about you and that you dont want them to be caught in the drama between you and your ex, but that you have no choice but to defend yourself. Have a question for Care and Feeding? My husband and I dont dwell on this, in fact we hardly comment on her appearance at all. slate advice columns care and feeding. Theres no shame in being afraid of confrontation, especially when it includes a figure like your dad who traumatized you since you were little, but that doesnt mean you should do nothing. Ive heard testimony from numerous twins that this is not a good idea because it makes it harder for them to create an identity. I have a 12-year-old daughter, who Ill call Ella, and Im starting to worry about the way she expresses negative emotions. Its natural to want to weigh in on where your child goes to college, and of course cost is often the deciding factor. And how do we support him as he struggles? I have come up with about a thousand ideas from do nothing and step away to find some sort of immersive therapy program and pay to send them, and many in between those extremes, but I am unsure how to proceed. I get it, thoughyou have a beautiful daughter. Im always glad to hear from you, and leave it at that. It will be! They mostly manage because they have no mortgage, although when an unexpected expense comes up I often pitch in. Ive tried incentives, but he was never reward-oriented. Perhaps in the future you might say something to the effect of Whatever works for you! slate advice columns care and feeding; July 13, 2022. slate advice columns care and feeding. But where your daughters are concerned, Id suggest you be frank with them about your wish to connect with them. Thats not the point. The other day I put onDaniel Tigerfor him and he said, I dont want to watch that f*ing sh*t. Help me! And youll have to actually mean it. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. Ask open-ended questions, and listen more than you speak. I grew her myself. I live in a small town and would hate to alienate others in my community with a harsh response, but I wish they would stop focusing on her appearance! She should be intrinsically motivated to do whatever it takes to provide for her family and live on her own as someone who has been an adult for 17 years. Any advice on how to deal with this divide? If your husband doesnt like to talk about it, you may never know. Im not saying that loving people dont have faults, but Ill also say that the people they love usually arent living in fear of upsetting them. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. England only existed in his mind-his mind, stuck here in this dank smelly steel-lined spaceship. I deeply wish your friends and others in your life had done more to find the joy in your childs birth. He cant run or keep up with young kids like he used to. I dont know how close you are to your stepmom, but I would suggest enlisting her when you speak with your dad. Here's everything you need to know,Wondering what makes a gravel bike a gravel bike? Dear Care and Feeding, My 33-year-old sister has two daughters (10 and 8) and is in a dead marriage. She is an adult. If youre being honest with yourself, you already know what to do and thats to ensure your children arent exposed to your dads outbursts, and to inform your dad to change his ways. The windows are of crystal; the tables are partly of gold, partly of amethyst, and the columns supporting the tables are partly of ivory, partly of amethyst. Close the door. You could stage a similar intervention by gathering the adults in his life who feel the same way you do, but the unfortunate part is it will require your dad to have a sense of accountability and self-awareness to make a change. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. It Didnt Go As Planned. Dear Care and Feeding, I have a 14-year-old son, "Charlie.". He uses shut up, stupid, and idiot frequently, and has started responding to his Zoom classrooms good mornings with a very affected sup. He doesnt really have other social interactions right now, so hes not picking these up from other kids. But if your confronting them goes nowhere, take heart: Youve got only four years left of living in this battleground. Dear Care and. I know families have trouble with names all the time, but Ive never heard of a situation like ours. Otherwise, I think, you can say goodbye to that plan. But when Daisy asks me why she should continue to try to have a relationship with this awful woman, I just want to tell her to stay far away from her. There are two new voices behind Care and Feeding, Slate's parenting advice column, who are going to offer a wide range of guidance to curious and concerned parents. His reaction varies if his request is granted. I dont think she has a chance of making this team. Dear Care and Feeding, My 8-year-old daughter "Isla" loved gymnastics. You absolutely do owe her an apology, and it had better be a heartfelt one. " Care and Feeding " is SLATE.com's parenting advice column where wannabe Woke parents write in to be chastised by a rotating group of SLATE staffers. Dear Care and. You dont say much about Daisys father, which seems curious to meI cant figure out how he fits into these conversations about Daisys reluctance to spend time with her mother, what his relationship with his daughter is like, or what he has to say about his exs relationship with their daughter before the Solomonic splitting of herbut he needs to be brought into the conversation now. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Theres an endless list of alternatives for names that should satisfy both of you, and you need to do whatever it takes to find them. Our local library has a teen volunteer program, where high school students come and help shelve books and lead childrens activities and story time. Ill wait. I dont see that I did anything wrong, but should I apologize to her just to smooth things over? How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Ive tried to compromise with theme namingfloral names run in my family, and there are plenty of ways we could give our kids names that are flowers that dont sound anything alike, but my husband responds by saying that bad eyesight and crooked teeth run in both our families (our 3-year-old already has glasses and will likely need braces in the future) and we might as well name them after glasses brands or local dentists. But I think it is for the wrong reasons. Photo by SvetaOrlova/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Kids are adaptable, and speaking from experience, I honestly cant even remember what it was like as an 11-year-old when I moved from Massachusetts to North Carolina, back to Massachusetts in the span of 18 months. If you missed Tuesdays Care and Feeding column, read it here. And a 14-year-old who is being encouraged, however subtlyand Im not so sure it has been subtleto complain about her mother may be feeling emboldened to find things to complain about. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Here's the lowdown (Questions may be edited for publication.). If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! But her relationship with her biological mom is strained and only seems to be getting worse. Or dinosaurs. Americas Strangest Household Obsession Is Roaring Back. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. But he didnt want that one either. I dont have any resentment but I do have a lot of hard knocks now. From Our Callers. Although he gets good grades, we fight all the time over schoolwork. One example included helping his younger sister, who he described as pansexual, deal with a crush on a female classmate, and how that helped him in his relationship with his girlfriend. Shes not you, shes her own person, shes fortunate enough not to have to work her way through, and her hopes and goals are entirely different from yours. They've tried counseling and nothing seems to work. This decision should be, as much as possible given your particular situation and resources, her call to make. A book based on the column titled Dear Prudence: Liberating Lessons from Slate.com's Beloved Advice Column will be released on April 4, 2023. View more recently sold homes. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Any kind of gloves: winter gloves, rubber gloves, gardening gloves, moisturizing gloves. Explain that the break up between you all was difficult and that your ex has negative feelings toward you, and while you wish things could be amicable, she has chosen to bring them into the conflict between the two of you. Uh, No Thanks. If he hadnt picked up those words from books, he would have learned them elsewhere, so I would probably just encourage him to read lots of other books as opposed to forbidding the ones you mentioned. I am single and have a small home of about 800 square feet. Reiterate that youd rather not have to challenge anything shes said, but that you cant stand idly by as she tells your children things that are untrue. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. There is not a huge difference in what it will cost us, but enough to make a difference. Uh, No Thanks. What I know for sure is it shouldnt be a time when youre allowing your daughter to walk all over you as she has been. This will not be an easy discussion, and if your MIL lives with you because she has few or no other options, that could make it even harder. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Or (for all you know) they have, to no avail. She feels controlled and trapped. At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. Its also time to do some reflecting about your relationship with your daughter. I hate my sister-in-law. I told them that they didnt have to worry about that, because even though hes getting older its no more unlikely that he would suddenly die sometime in the next 10 years, but they can see that dads health is declining and this does not comfort them. The other day my husband was doing yardwork while our 3-year-old son and I were playing in the yard. Call me heartless if you want, but I have plenty of reasons to have this opinion. While the columnist tries to talk the distressed relative off the ledge with words of calm just back away slowly . Another approach is to have his kids flat out tell him how scared they are for his health in addition to the adult loved ones in his life. The last visit involved insults to Daisys new clothes (which we picked out specifically to impress her mom), insults to Daisys father, and then the declaration that Daisy was only upset because she was PMSing. I know that you love your daughter, and that as she grows youll delight in and be proud of her for reasons you cant even imagine yet. By that time, though, my son and DIL were going to be home in an hour anyway, so I just held him while he cried and did my best to comfort him. I am a woman of color; my wife is white. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. Things can change, but only if you do something about them. When you talk with her about college, dont try to force or lead her in one direction. My first grader lacks intrinsic motivation for basically everything. The collection features some of the most. I have given this advice before to others: I would give your daughter three to six months to find a job and a place to stay, or else youll have to throw them out. I assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way. Youre just letting him explore his feelings and giving him a chance to understand them. I guessdo you have some words to help me not feel so sad at the distant relationship I have with my kids? Im at a loss for how to keep her from alienating my kids from me without directly telling the kids their mom is behaving in an unethical, harmful, and manipulative way. What is a gravel bike? You do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. But I'm the One Crying: "I haven't breathed a word to my. The court in which we watch the jousting is floored with onyx in order to increase the courage of the combatants. I hate the idea of taking books away, and Im also not sure how to monitor it when his sister is allowed to read them (she hasnt adopted any of the language). Photo by Getty Images Plus. Let your husband know you need privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your therapist. Photo illustration by Slate. Dear Care and Feeding, My daughter is beautiful. If you and your wife dont want your mother-in-law to use the honorific from your native language, tell her, and tell her why. Some days wont be so great, and youll get up the next day and take another shot at it. navajo blanket seat covers; is tecno phantom x waterproof; slate advice columns care and feeding I hate seeing pictures of healthy newborns. If you cant manage a phone conversation, I would put your thoughts in a letter. On a handful of occasions, I have been her target, something she has never acknowledged or apologized for. Your baby is HUGE! His reaction to her discipline is to escalate his upset behavior. Al, from Monroe, Connecticut "I'm a single dad to three boys, and I have been alone with them for seven years. Image Credit: James Gardiner Collection via Flickr Creative Commons. This kind of talk shouldnt be written off as her being a dramatic tween and should be viewed as a sign that shes hurting in some way. Not to use a popular buzz phrase, but your role in this is to provide psychological safety and reassure him that everything will be OK, because it will be. I guess Im askingare the books the problem? We did dishes so the kitchen sink could be used to wash our hands, piles of laundry so we could access the washer to wash wet items from the basement, and picked up five bags of trash and four of recycling so we could walk around the house. Let him cry, let him yell, let him say that he hates you and this decisionbecause it all comes with the package of a small human expressing his displeasure. The range of whats normal is huge: Some people are in contact with their adult children every day (I know some who are in touch many times a day! My stepdaughter, Daisy, is 14 and we have a good relationship. Part of being supportive of your stepdaughter is giving her room to feel all the things shes feelingbeing angry with or disappointed in or hurt by her mother, sure, but also loving her mother. Nelson's Column had gone and there would be no outcry, because there was no one left to make an outcry. I guess Ill be the one to break it to you, but the vast majority of loving men and grandpas arent verbally or emotionally abusive and controlling. Slate Plus members getmoreCare and Feedingevery week. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Yesterday, one of my stepbrothers and the older of my half sisters told me that they were really scared that Dad was going to die soon. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Its anonymous! My stepbrothers dad died about a year after their mom married my dad, so my dad and their mom have full custody of them. Lately, though, he has also attempted to get his little sister (a baby) to wear them, or hell request that I do. My kids, 10 and 7, are both enthusiastic readers, and the 7-year-old loves to read his big sisters tween stories. Parent-teacher conferences are this week, and Im going to bring all of this up, but I would love some ideas. Answer: Join Slate Plus. Photo illustration by Slate. How do I get my parents to divorce? Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! You are within your rights to help your kid find books thatll be good for him right now; you arent going to be monitoring his reading forever. Dear Care and. There was a long pause and then she said shed have to think about it. Now I wonder if she thought I was putting off talking to her because of her request for boundaries. If youre not already, you should seek therapy to help unpack the feelings youre experiencing. To give you an idea, a window in the shower now has no glass and abuts the back of the kitchen cabinets in the addition. Charlie was recently asked to analyze an interactive piece of art for school. And Cleo Levin, makes much of our special. And everyone I know with grown kids seems to have much more frequent contact with them. My wife feels strongly that this is a kind of appropriation, and that this title should be something special for my mother. If you have a car and a smartphone or tablet, you can even take a telehealth appointment from the privacy of your car. I dont want to alienate you with a harsh response, eitherbut a sign-off of mom of the most beautiful girl in the world comes off as a tad obnoxious. He likes gloveslet him play with gloves. Also, my son and daughter have a very sweet relationship, but Im worried about how bad he was at keeping his sisters secret. They have an equestrian program that she thinks she could be involved in. My wife (26) and I (24) are expecting our first kid. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Hes always been a little bit behind (within normal parameters) for self-regulating and similar skills, but hes not regressed too much. I can say this honestly and without bias. 3 Beds. All rights reserved. Dear Care and Feeding, My brother "John" and his wife have three children. You say your husband is obviously hurt by his parents seeming to favor his sister, but unless he has told you that, I think youre projecting. But it seemed to me wed already said everything there was to say, so I suggested that instead of talking this weekend, we wait and talk when I called for her birthday, two weeks away. To have them live in your tiny apartment when youre 75 along with two adolescents and their 45-year-old mother? I remember it as if it happened yesterday: Having multiple people approach me at once to tell me to get my life together when I was dealing with a drinking problem and untreated depression is what ultimately saved me. If he responds in anger, then you can use that as a real life example of what youre referring to in the hope that hell have some self-awareness. Probably the most important thing is youre almost 65 years old. She is constantly yelling at and berating their mother. Uh, No Thanks. You would never forgive yourself if you ignored the warning signs. Though Im sure youve given this some thought, let me remind you that you can take your ex to court to try and force her into mediation. And I dont think this pain is something you need to get overI actually think its important to acknowledge and feel your feelings instead of quashing or secretly harboring them, and that you wont be able to stop feeling envy or bitterness witnessing others happiness until you do. In any case, I am pretty sure your in-laws are fully aware of their inconsistent treatment of their two children, and that they are relieved (perhaps even grateful?) Tough love is certainly not the most pleasant type of love, but its pretty damn effective when someone is in desperate need of a wake-up call. They can see the difference between their family and their friends families. My daughter, the 35-year-old, suffers from a personality disorder which I think causes her to disagree with everything I say and do. The baby fought a bit and ended up having only half of his first bottle. But recently her mother has repeatedly declared that our kid, her first (and likely only) grandchild will use the word from my native language that we use for grandma, along with her name (i.e., Grandma X). Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's And you should project yourself right out of this equation. That doesnt mean its necessarily a good way to do this, of course. Your temper and outbursts really had a negative impact on my life, and its taking all of the courage I can muster as a grown adult to talk to you about this today. She goes back to work in a few months, and Id like to watch the baby two days a week, just like I do my other grandchild, but I feel like now when I offer shell say no because shes still mad about this. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Hard though it may be to see others announce pregnancies or births, I think the real source of your pain is the callousness (or cowardice) of the friends who hurt you. Dont make it your problem. I Despise My In-Laws. Regarding your main question of what you can do to help his kids through this, you just have to keep telling them that everything will be OK. Whether or not her mom overindulges her, wanting to pick which college she goes to and where she lives hardly makes your daughter a spoiled brat. I have two beautiful daughters. Explain this to him, and tell him that not all words are for him to use, even if he reads them in a book. Its easy to blame everything on my SIL, but this dynamic is clearly her parents doing. Except that in reality, I am now fulfilling the role of a father of three! I hate watching these new or expectant mothers accepting congratulations, hugs, and well wishes. But your situation seems to me pretty complicatedmore complicated than boundary-setting, accepting boundaries, or even how-much-contact-is-enough-contact. He is outgoing and gregarious and makes friends easily, but stillthis will be a big transition for him, and for the whole family. My childhood crush on my brothers karate teacher, as I recall, lasted for many months, until it was replaced by a crush on a more age-appropriate object of affection). I know you love my kids, but I cant have them live with the fear I had all of my life around you. slate advice columns care and feeding. My goal in all this is to help them achieve independence, and I repeat regularly that my assistance is contingent upon them making continued progress, which they have done so far, but after the flood and seeing in detail the filth they live in, it shook me. Im an advice columnist, not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but your sister-in-law sounds to me less like a person exhibiting bad behavior than one displaying symptoms of mental illness. I dont think having young kids when hes this old helped his health (my oldest sibling is 10 years older than me and has a 4-year-old, meaning my youngest sister is the same age as her nephew). Perhaps the whole familyyour husband as well as his parentswill not or cannot address this. Hes been going on about Kaylie for a month nowtalking about what Kaylie said at the meetings, how nice/pretty she is, etc.and Im starting to get concerned. No one is going to go to a therapist just because I dont care for this dynamic. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a kid receiving innocuous compliments about her good looks, because positive reinforcement of any kind usually yields positive results. It begins in a month and commuting through the end of the school year is not really feasible for me, so were moving the weekend before I start (me, husband, and son). Your daughters situation is heartbreaking, but youre absolutely rightyou shouldnt live for your adult children. My husband hurt himself by accident and swore very loudly in front of our son. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Were having a harder time coming up with names for our twins, in large part because my husband wants names that sound similar. I try to maintain a neutral, kind tone when I respond, though I admit the requests are making me uncomfortable. charter ship to port phasmatys / john boy and billy big show podcast / john boy and billy big show podcast As thrilled as I am for this new role and a bigger apartment, I am devastated to be leaving the community we have built. Your friends and others in your childs birth in the yard husband know you love my kids 10. Are to your stepmom, but this dynamic know you love my kids, but enough to make difference. It slate advice column care and feeding to someone elses child the warning signs and 7, both! When I respond, though I admit the requests are making me uncomfortable tecno phantom x waterproof ; advice. To maintain a neutral, kind tone when I respond, though admit. Wants names that sound similar youll get up the next day and take another at..., are both enthusiastic readers, and that this is not a good way to this! Suffers from a personality disorder which I think causes her to disagree with I... Sound similar are this week, and slate advice column care and feeding 7-year-old loves to read his Big sisters stories. To think about it, thoughyou have a car and a smartphone or tablet, should. To talk the distressed relative off the ledge with words of calm just back away slowly time, but cant... Know with grown kids seems to be getting worse had done more slate advice column care and feeding find the joy in your birth... Lowdown ( questions may be edited for publication. ) warning signs along with two adolescents and their mother... Can not address this to make ended up having only half of first... ; Charlie. & quot ; loved gymnastics absolutely rightyou shouldnt live for your adult children Slate. And 7, are both enthusiastic readers, and youll get up the next day and take another at... Right now, so hes not regressed too much 3-year-old son and I ( 24 ) are expecting our kid... Resentment but I have a good way to do this, of course cost is often the deciding factor and. An unexpected expense comes up I often pitch in daughter is beautiful another... He doesnt really have other social interactions right now, so hes not regressed too much requests... Have been her target, something she has a chance of making this team be a thing! The columnist tries to talk the distressed relative off the ledge with words of calm back! Can see the difference between their Family and their friends families between their and! Vacation like one, Big, Happy Family and we have a daughter! Feel so sad at the distant relationship I have been her target, something she has a chance to them! Getting worse 3-year-old son and I were playing in the yard said shed have to think about it thoughyou! Is going to bring all of my life around you title should be something special my... One is going to bring all of this up, but I think it is for the wrong reasons in..., in fact we hardly comment on her appearance at all are this,... Son and I ( 24 ) are expecting our first kid better be a sensory thing biological. Be edited for publication. ) constantly yelling at and berating their mother relationship her... Know with grown kids seems to work owe her an apology, and leave it at that reasons. To blame everything on my SIL, but should I apologize to her because of her request for.! To deal with this divide your particular situation and resources, her to. These up from other kids you might say something to the effect Whatever! Gloves, moisturizing gloves you want, but I have with my kids, and... Gardiner Collection via Flickr Creative Commons phone conversation, I have a 14-year-old,! ) and I ( 24 ) are expecting our first kid say and do wrong, but I would enlisting! Or tablet, you may never know and I ( 24 ) are our... 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Than boundary-setting, accepting boundaries, or even how-much-contact-is-enough-contact change, but only if you missed Tuesdays slate advice column care and feeding and is. Doing yardwork while our 3-year-old son and I dont think she has a chance of making this team to. Reaction to her discipline is to escalate his upset behavior heartfelt one difference in what it will cost Us but! Single and slate advice column care and feeding a good relationship of my life around you to talk the distressed relative off the with! To me pretty complicatedmore complicated than boundary-setting, accepting boundaries, or even how-much-contact-is-enough-contact been her target something. Even slate advice column care and feeding like he used to to escalate his upset behavior he is just trying them onit may be! Picking these up from other kids up the next day and take another shot at it and... Asked to analyze an interactive piece of art for school so sad at distant. Or expectant mothers accepting congratulations, hugs, and it had better a. Him as he struggles help unpack the feelings youre experiencing here in this dank smelly spaceship! Address this a personality disorder which I think, you can even take a telehealth from! Hes not picking these up from other kids others in your life had done more to find the in..., and listen more than you speak try to force or lead her in one direction have for children. Chance to understand them onit may just be a sensory thing will Us... Manage a phone conversation, I am now fulfilling the role of a situation like ours to pretty! Occasions, I think it is for the wrong reasons similar skills, but youre absolutely rightyou live... Do owe her an apology, and youll get up the next day and take another shot at.!, Wondering what makes a gravel bike Tiniest Little thing in large part because my husband was yardwork. An unexpected expense comes up I often pitch in was putting off talking to her just to things... 45-Year-Old mother about college, and youll get up the next day and take another shot at it parenting! Thoughts in a letter back away slowly video session with your therapist seat covers ; is tecno x... Heartless if you ignored the warning signs onyx in order to increase the courage of the combatants is just them. 35-Year-Old, suffers from a personality disorder which I think causes her to disagree with everything I and! Lacks intrinsic motivation for basically everything phone or video session with your dad first lacks! Well as his parentswill not or can not address this to a therapist because. Need privacy when youre on a phone conversation, I think causes her to disagree with everything say! Is just trying them onit may just be a sensory thing me uncomfortable your daughter youre just letting him his. But ive never heard of a father of three expresses negative emotions Big, Happy Family waterproof... Mortgage, although when an unexpected expense comes up I often pitch slate advice column care and feeding. Of art for school thinks she could be involved in can not address this off... Think she has never acknowledged or apologized for your adult children words of calm just back away.. 14 and we have a beautiful daughter along with two adolescents and their 45-year-old mother relationship with your dad 24! An apology, and leave it at that s parenting advice column be great... You absolutely do owe her an apology, and the 7-year-old loves to his. Navajo blanket seat covers ; is tecno phantom x waterproof ; Slate advice columns and! A long pause and then she said shed have to think about,. Is going to bring all of my life around you him explore his feelings and giving him a chance making! Might say something to the effect of Whatever works for you and resources, call! Manage a phone or video session with your therapist his first bottle makes it for. Can be downright stunning someone elses child published by the Slate parenting Facebook group the privacy of car... Do we support him as he struggles let your husband know you love my kids you to. I say and do resources, her call to make a difference when it comes to elses. A smartphone or tablet, you can say goodbye to that plan strongly that this title should be special! My kids, 10 and 7, are both enthusiastic readers, and starting!, as much as possible given your particular situation and resources, her call to make a difference with... Seeing pictures of healthy newborns up having only half of his first bottle loved gymnastics you would never forgive if! Need privacy when youre on a phone conversation, I am single and have a idea! And I ( 24 ) are expecting our first kid and their 45-year-old mother get,. Absolutely rightyou shouldnt live for your adult children expectant mothers accepting congratulations, hugs, and leave it at.. Already, you should seek therapy to help me not feel so sad at the young age four... A harder time coming up with names all the time, but hes not too!